Dear Parcheesi,
You are a very good girl. Such a good girl. I don’t think I told you that enough times. I felt it each time I looked at you. I felt it each time I walked in the door and looked into those big blue eyes. You were always so happy when I got home. I mean, I always knew it wasn’t about me. Not really. Me coming home meant you went out to potty and then you got a… yes… you know what's coming… a C.O.O.K.I.E. That’s right. You go potty and you get a cookie. I swear, so many times you asked to go out just so you could come in and get a cookie. I think you went outside and just counted down – 10, 9, 8, 5, 7, 3, cookie, 1! and you ran back to the door and bounced and bounded your badonkadonk to the kitchen for your cookie.
Delightful. You were delightful.
Do you remember that day five years ago when you were lost and walking down the side of the road and Tina found you? I won the lottery that day and I didn’t even know it. You hung out at the clinic for a while. We really thought someone would come looking for you. Do you remember your life before you came into my life? I can’t seem to remember a time before you came into mine, Cheese.
Maybe we both won the lottery that day.
I put your picture on Facebook. Help me name this dog! The responses were enthusiastic, creative, and immediate. With each new suggestion, I would shout the name and see what happened. Finally, "Parcheesi!" You got so happy! You bounced and pounced and trounced and wagged your tail. Parcheesi. That's my girl. Cheeseball. Cheesecurl. Cheezit. Cheese.
Do you know that you started it all? A long line of rescued dogs named after games? You were the first. You were the young one. The healthy one. The one who was going to be here with me for the long haul.Yahtzee and Jenga and Sargent Pinochle. You watched them all come and watched them all go. You treated each one with the same indifference with which you treated every other animal in my life. I was the only one who mattered. Unless I had company. Then it was me who became invisible in the face of your shiny new toy - a PERSON... who might have FOOD... and SCRATCHES and LOVINGS. You are so my child, Cheese. So much tail wagging glee we both found in this life together.
Do you remember meeting best friend Beth? You loved her more than anyone. Do you remember? You were so HAPPY! So overstimulated! I started to worry that you would pass out from sheer excitement! (She's my favorite, too. I get it)
Do you remember snow? You loved the snow so much! You would roll around on your back and burrow your nose down deep and just stretch out and rest in the middle of it. You always liked the cold. This past week, as the weather grew cooler, you spent more and more time outside. Parcheesi, I wish you had gotten to experience another snow. But I remember for both of us. When the snow does come this year, I'll remember.
Baths, Cheese. Do you remember baths? I know you hated them. I know you felt so so betrayed. But honeylove, you looked so lovely after. You were the most beautiful girl in all of the world. I do not know what I did to deserve a dog like you.
And Cheese! Do you remember that time that I took that picture of you? The best picture I've ever taken. You were so perfect. You delighted me. You delighted me every single day. For five years. Even now as my heart is broken, you delight me.
Do you remember car trips? That day 18 months ago when I drove you to meet Dr. White for the first time? You were so skeptical in the car. So doubtful of me and my driving. I mean, where were we going? This wasn't the clinic. This wasn't Blandy. This definitely isn't somewhere we've been before.
I know you felt my anxiety.
I'm sorry Cheese. I should have done better with that. I should have been braver for you. My worry made you worry. I regret that more than once my worry or my sadness or my temper made you worry. I wish I had been happy. More of the time. For you.
Do you remember Dr. White? She was the best, right? We love Dr. White.
Yes, it's cancer. Yes, radiation will be curative. Yes, we can fix this.
We took this that day before loading back up into the car. Remember? We've got this.
And then we sang the whole way home.
And I'm freeeeeeeee! Free faaaaallin'!
We went and visited Dr. White day after day after day after day. You were so happy.. so excited to load up and go. So happy to walk right back with them and then, on wobbly legs, you were happy to return to me. I was so proud of you. You were such a good girl. The best girl.
You are my best girl, Cheese.
It got harder towards the end. The anesthesia began to wear on you and the burns started to surface. Physically you slowed a bit, but your enthusiasm never did. You were so brave. A lobby full of nervous dogs and owners and you brought smiles to everyone whose path you crossed.
And then we were done. You were cleared. You were free.
Remember?
You were a survivor.
Cheese! Do you remember.....
uh.... .nevermind..
And then what a year we had! Cancer free! Whoo! Car rides and picking up chicks and making memes and deep thoughts and sunshine.
What a great last year it was.
Then, your nose started running. And running. And running.
And off we went again.
Do you remember the hard conversation we had on the way over? I told you that we were going to stay positive. We were already assuming it was bad news. We didn't know yet. It's all good, Cheese! You're a survivor! This is going to be fun! It's going to be fine. Everything is alright, my sweet loverdog.
Parcheesi, honey, I'm sorry I wasn't more brave for you. I'm sorry I was anxious and nervous and afraid. I wish I had not brought my own anxiety on that trip. I wish I had handled it better. I know I handled it as best as I could. I simply had never been on that side of the door.
A few days later, we got the news that led us here. Now. To this day.
Do you remember the night I came home and curled with you on the floor and held you close and cried? That night. That was the night I knew I was going to lose you and that it was going to happen soon. Cheese, my heart broke that night. Lots and lots of hearts broke that night.
Remember how we started living after that, Cheese? Crappy canned food and tons of peanut butter and lots of time on the floor together. Lots of holdings and pettings and lovings. Lots of all of it. If you had a bucket list, it would have been a bucket full of food. So we ate bacon and cheese and eggs and chicken and remember that steak, Cheese? And for the last couple of months, we lived.
I did not know how I would know. I never know. What I did know for certain was that you were not going to suffer. You gave me too much love and joy and happiness for me make you linger here until you became a shattered shell of the joyful dog you were.
The nose bleeds started to come everyday.
Cheese... I do not want this to be so. Not yet.
Honey... I'm not ready...
But it was time. I made the appointment. I sat with you and tried to explain, but the words got stuck in my throat. I gave you half of my sandwich instead.
A few more days of food and love and treats and holding and curling up on the giant bed with you.
A few more days of questioning and uncertainty and indecision.
A few more days of extra canned food and scoops of peanut butter and spoonfuls of ice cream and slices of bacon.
And today, a trip to McDonalds. Hamburgers and french fries and happiness. The only thing I wanted from this trip was to bring happiness to you. I gave you that. The best gift I could give you.
After all you have given me.
I thank you.
And one last trip car trip for my happy, contented girl.
One last walk into the clinic.
Happiness and wagging tail. You love the clinic. Everyone gives you so many cookies.
One last walk into an exam room.
One last, Cheese.
Rest now, my darling dear.
Let me send you off on your next romping journey with these words:
Parcheesi, you are such a good girl.You are a delightful ball of wonder. You are the epitome of joy. Your have brought me so much joy over the past five years that I will never be able to pay it forward.
But I promise to try.
We all promise to try.
To be a little more like Cheese.
I want you to know that I am going to take a little break. I am not going to adopt another dog for a little while. I will again. I promise. But I need to let my heart heal. The loving of you changed me and the loss of you fractured me. I can feel it already. The fluffy blue eyed hole in my heart aches for you.
I want you to know that everyone who ever met you loved you. Everyone who ever saw your picture loved you. You were special. You touched lives. With your smile and your eyes and your cheery disposition you spread happiness and joy. The world was brighter because of your wagging tail and toothy smile and inexplicable blue eyes.
It was a privilege to call you mine. Really, I think I was just a channel to share you with the greater world. I was so lucky that you picked me.
Thank you, Cheese. For choosing me.
I want you to know that I have taken steps to take care of myself this weekend. I am safe and protected in the arms of people who love me. We all will mourn the loss of your bright soul together.
I want you to know that there will never be another Cheese. Not for me.
I want you to know that I love you.
Thank you for loving me back.
Jackson
